Conan the Barbarian #45 - Video Review by ComicBook.beer

Welcome back, everybody, to ComicBook.Beer for a deluxe review of Conan the Barbarian issue number 45. I’ve got beer. I’ve got a comic book. I’m living the American dream. I’m like Superfly, except I’m not in Red Dawn or The Final Countdown. Look that one up. Ron O’Neil. That movie’s so good.

I’m pretty sure about the Final Countdown. Actually, it’s been a while since I’ve seen it. That’s the best F‑14 Tomcat movie that’s not Top Gun. Alright, everyone ready? I’ve been pretty busy the last couple weeks, sorry. I’m out of practice. It’s getting sloppy around here. Gotta finish this one.

Let’s go.

I had to look that one up, and yes, I am correct. I don’t know anything useful, but I do know that Ron O’Neill was in Red Dawn. And this is Conan the Barbarian number 45. Let me check the year on this one. I’m thinking it’s from the 70s. What do you think? 1974. This one predates me. Wow.

I love the cover of this issue of Conan, but we’re gonna play a game: Is this cover accurate? Is it an accurate depiction of what happens inside the issue? I’ll let you think about that for a moment.

No! She does not exist. The 70s were great. So you gotta figure, what? They probably had to pay her, pay her agent, union fees. She shows up, she gets eaten, she dies. It’s like, “Sorry about your loss.” Then they don’t even put her in the book. What a mess. I love the 70s. And I love Conan, what a surprise. The Last Ballad of Lazzalante.

That’s a great opening shot. My man John Buscema does the artwork, so this issue is obviously terrific. Everything I read that he’s done, I’m more enamored with just how incredible John Buscema was. This book is, well, this isn’t actually the best issue of Conan, to be honest with you, but it’s a good‑looking issue because all of his issues were good.

A little bit of “Groo the Wanderer”‑like detail here in the corner. What’s going on? Should be some half‑naked girls down here dancing or something. Spears. Conan’s drinking flagons of ale, and we salute thee. Cheers.

Mmm. No, the light goes down smooth. And so does whatever Conan is drinking. What is he drinking? Is that ale? It’s a dark ale, that’s what he’s drinking. He’s thinking about Red Sonja, that’s right. I read this over the weekend. I’ve already forgotten about it.

Like the details of him wiping his mouth on his 1970s wristband. There are some annoying guys singing songs in the bar. A guy bumps into Conan, and Conan looks at him like, “Oh.” It’s the little details that make this one. Look at that, look what Buscema does. He clearly makes this guy wasted and stumbling just with his body language. As an artist, I appreciate this because that’s impossible to do. You have to be really good to do that.

And Conan beats the crap out of him because it’s Conan. I like that. “Get it all together when you get out of the service.”

Okay. So anyway, after pulling some kind of wrestling move on these drunken patrons, Conan beats the shit out of everybody in the bar, probably kills half of them, puts them in the hospital. He’s eventually arrested and thrown into jail with this guy, a minstrel.

The minstrel sings a song, and you have to read it in a Monty Python tone. There’s just no other way. He sings about this crazy old lady in the woods and it’s... ooh... it’s spooky. Love the artwork. Anyway, they bust out of jail because the… what are those guys called? The people in jail that keep you in the jail. There’s a name for them. I’m drawing a— I have a jerk—never mind. It’s that guy.

We’ll call him Fred. He looks like a Fred. Sup, Fred.

Anyway, the two ride off searching for the lady and the story and/or the thing, I forget, it doesn’t matter. They ride off into the wilderness looking to discover whatever that story is.

Before we get there, though, I gotta show you this. This is great.

They discover this thing eating cows or whatever. There’s some random half‑naked woman in the woods leading animals to it and they’re like, “This thing’s crazy.” And I swear I’ve read this issue of Conan before. Half of the Conans from the 70s are basically the same plot point: they stumble upon something in the woods that’s eating something, there’s a pretty girl involved, everyone dies except Conan, and it’s a good read.

But check this out—we got a nice ad here. Remember a couple of weeks ago I said how much I like this?

These panels and whatever issue of Conan that was, they’re here in the stories. Other people like them too. And I kind of want to read this. So like, you know, you remember the 70s, right? You probably don’t remember the 70s. I barely remember the 70s. I remember like one week of the 70s, but it was the best week of my life.

We’ve got The Deadly Hands of Kung Fu in full‑size magazine format. So there are at least five issues with this.

Because Kung Fu was really big in the 70s. Enter the Dragon, martial arts films, blaxploitation films, freaking Superfly. 70s films were the best. Tough Spider‑Man.

And we’ve got this great monster. Buscema was great at drawing these weird‑ass monsters in the woods. And you wonder if he made up a whole bunch of them and sticky‑tacked them to the wall and just chose which one he was going to use for various issues. “I’m going to use the one with the weird tentacles on top of his head for this one,” which is good because that guy cuts them off. Apparently that’s the monster’s weak point. That’s like Star Trek VI. Those are his balls.

So anyway, once again, I don’t know anything useful, but I know that.

Without giving away the plot, we do get some backstory on the lovely lady who was feeding animals to the giant monster in the woods. And that’s kind of the whole point of the book, and I can’t say much more or I’ll give it away. This kind of plot, they used it a lot back in the day. This one’s a little different. The ending is somewhat anticlimactic, but also kind of sad.

It’s sad that I’m thinking about the 70s, and it’s not the 70s anymore. That makes me sad. Imagine a time with El Caminos everywhere and no influencers. Sounds like a dream.

Oh no, look, she’s screaming. Well, you’ll have to read it. It’s fun. I’m sure you can find this one for somewhere between $1 and $3. I forget what I paid for it, but it wasn’t much. Once again, love the cover.

You get John Buscema's incredible artwork, his mastery of anatomy, and his weird‑ass monster designs. Though I do feel like we should get at least 50 cents back for the misleading cover. So cheers to you, lady who doesn’t even exist in the comic book.

Well, we’ll hope it was a slow and painful death. That way, the publishers at least got their money’s worth. Inserting beer. Outputting Conan the Barbarian issue 45.

Wait, before I go, I’ve got to do some shameless promotion. Two big things to talk about. Mmm. That beer looks pretty good. It is.

Alright, check it out: the Ethel the Cyborg Ninja data book. Just arrived, hardcover. I really like that cover. I’m doing a little reworking on her outfit for a spinoff series. She’ll be in Ethel’s Special Missions as the working title. But you can... whoop, oops, forget that. Forget you saw that. Shh.

There’s all kinds of good stuff in here. Lots of behind‑the‑scenes. More nudity. Behind the scenes.

Stuff that never made it into print. Multiple commentaries. Original art from the first issue, original art from the second issue, and the entire commentary track for the third issue. It’s a great book. This one really turned out well. I expected it to be good because I had a lot of stuff stockpiled from working on it for over a decade, but it turned out really nice.

And for the past week at least.

Dear... I have been working around the clock on Sword Realm, and I just did some rough cover design work today. And by rough, I mean… I suspect this is going to be something, considering it took half a day to do this. I haven’t put in all the details yet—his nipples aren’t even there, come on—let alone the jewelry and the sword. I got the gun in there, though.

This is Sword Realm, so check it out, it’s on Kickstarter right now. Sword Realm: Sword‑and‑Sorcery fantasy with lasers. And that’s a lot of fun. And bodies that fall from the sky. You’ll see.

So that’s all for now. Gonna finish my beer and… uh… I don’t know. Read Conan or watch more Godzilla. Gosh. What to do? Man, this is like Superfly, except I don’t have an 8‑track player in every room. Gah!