G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero #5 - Video Review by ComicBook.beer

Welcome back to ComicBook.beer where I'm taking a look again at G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero issue number five. I've talked about this issue several times, but I've also reviewed like thousands, maybe 5,000 things in my career of reviewing nonsense. So this stuff all starts to blend together. Have I ever shot a video review? I don't know. It doesn't matter. I'm going to do it again. But this time I'm going to complain about the Comics Code because the Comics Code ruins everything. Just think how much more violence, drugs, and nudity we could have without the Comics Code. But what we do get is tanks that are crushing and squashing Cobra soldiers, though we don't get to see them being crushed and squashed thanks to the stupid Comics Code. Boo! Comics Code.

This is one of my favorite G.I. Joe issues. I love this comic from November 1982. Here's the creative team. I love the MOBAT. I had one of these things. They were cool. The MOBAT was cool. I'm not sure what happened to it, but if I'm not mistaken, it could drive around, right? Like I miss it. I remember it was heavy. It was heavy enough to crush Ewoks. And that was important. If you can't crush an Ewok, what good is it really? So take a look here. It starts off.

Tanks for the memories, the tank is in the pit. And the opening couple pages here are just incredible because we've got Steeler, Breaker, and Clutch all desperately flirting with Scarlett, who really wants nothing to do with any of them. Scarlett's just like, you're all wasting my time. I'm not here for you douchebags. I'm here for the military hardware. Literally what's going on. And they're trying to show off the tank. And she's just not impressed. She's like, yeah, whatever. Engines are boring. I want guns.

I went, look at all the buttons and the knobs. I don't care about it. Look, there's even a Pac-Man drop in there. Scarlett wants to play Pac-Man on there. Like if you didn't love Scarlett already, we know Scarlett's got great taste in Atari 2600 games. And it does not say the arcade game. That's why I'm bringing out the, it's not the best Atari game, I know. Don't question me on this. I just think Scarlett appreciates Pac-Man in the broad sense. She's probably got Pac-Man underwear.

Not that I think about those things, but I do. And let's see here, she's talking. Okay, why are they looking at the tank? So what they're doing is they're cleaning the tank while they're flirting with Scarlett because the tank is gonna be in the Military Day Parade in New York. And this is like the most super duper advanced tank in the world because it plays Pac-Man. It might even have an Atari 5200, this is 1982 after all. See, I still remember all my Classic Game Room stuff. And...

The 5200 has sucky joysticks. I think Scarlett would not want a sucky joystick. Wow. This is all one take too. Look at all the screens and the buttons. The Cobra soldiers are frantically pushing buttons on this. But there's nothing even on this screen. They could be playing Pac-Man on that screen. Or at least Yars' Revenge. The screen is there for the taking. So Cobra is obviously up to no good because, you know...

What good would the bad guys be if they were doing good things? And they've scanned this guy's briefcase or whatever. So they bring the, which has the details about the MOBAT tank. They bring him to Cobra Commander. I love this part where Cobra Commander is just sitting there shooting cardboard cutouts of the G.I. Joe figures. It's like that scene from Spaceballs, but instead of playing with his dolls, he's shooting them.

They're placating him like, great master, you're doing such a good job shooting your dolls against sir. So there's the tank rolling through the parade. It has a big float in the background. And I guess they're showing off the hardware to the generals, but the generals, I think it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, but the tank is so advanced that there's some concerns about the tank being too advanced. And they want to show the generals that the generals can't even tell that the tank is advanced.

I know it's just basically an excuse for them to roll the tank through the parade because Cobra is going to try to carjack this thing and that's Steeler. I think that's Steeler there who's checking out the majorettes on the screen. Love that part.

Stupid ass Comics Code. Here's where the majorettes go. They're bad majorettes, not the good kind of majorettes. And they're going to, you know, I guess run distraction. And they're gonna try to steal the tank. Now it's important to note the tank is not armed. Because I guess they're not actually expecting to start shooting things in the middle of New York City. So even though Cobra's armed, and they got all these Cobra soldiers dressed up as band members or whatever, the Joes are not armed.

Except they do have bubble gum and a giant megaphone on this thing. The megaphone plays an important role. I mean, this is such an awesome issue. Look, they don't even get to run over that guy thanks to the stupid Comics Code. Just think of all the squishing noises that would make.

90 cent hot dogs? Man, this guy's doing better than Costco. When's the last time you could buy anything for 90 cents? What's this issue cost? This was 60 cents. Taking back to 1982. So they hide the tank in the lake and they drive it out using mouth-made firing and explosion sounds to scare the Cobra soldiers into surrendering.

But they discover Cobra Commander's nearby so they end up driving the tank into the bandstand, into whatever, that thing called the bandstand, the thing that's holding all of the generals. And they're like, they think G.I. Joe is attacking them but then it turns out that G.I. Joe is actually uncovering Cobra Commander and the Baroness. Like I don't want to give it away but, you know, we obviously know Cobra Commander gets away because he's in the next 300 issues or whatever of G.I. Joe but this is such a fun issue, it's just creative.

I love it when they use the old school Joes like Steeler and Breaker and everybody likes Scarlett and whatnot but it's cool to see some of the super duper old school Joes and of course the ads are nice as well and I also enjoy just the way they drew fancy electronics and sophisticated hardware in 1982. Look we've got a printout! Quick use the punch card and use the 2400 modem to fax it to whoever.

Good stuff. A great issue, a lot of fun, ruined by the Comics Code, but not enough that I'm still not going to recommend it because it's G.I. Joe issue number five, one of my favorite old school G.I. Joe issues. You can get this in a bunch of different collections out there and this has been reprinted, probably dozens of times over the past couple decades, though the reprints probably do not have the sweet Star Wars Jedi Arena video game cartridge advertisement. Become a Jedi Master without ever leaving home. Look at that, don't even have to go to Dagobah and train with Yoda. You can just sit on your couch and play Atari 2600.

Sounds like fun. I'd like to go back to 1982. How about you? Even with the Comics Code ruining everything it's still better than the future. It's G.I. Joe issue number 5. Highly recommended. Just love this one, it's so much fun to read and collect and...

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle. The other half the battle is knowing what Scarlett's wearing. I would like to point out that this random pouch here on her boot is roughly the same size as an Atari 2600 game cartridge. So it is possible that she is going into combat with a copy of Yars' Revenge. We don't know. Only Scarlett knows.

And that's the other half of knowing the battle is knowing what Scarlett knows that you want to know but don't know because she hasn't told you.